Chasing Happiness is Useless! 4 Ways to find happiness through life's struggles

Just be Happy

Just be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. Don’t worry be happy. I’m sure you have heard this once or twice before. Of course I believe in that novel concept but I also think there is a glorification of it happening everywhere. 

Contrary to popular belief, happiness is a choice - it doesn’t just happen. Just like anything else worthwhile in life, it is a result of a series of decisions and actions to get you to that specific desired state of mind. I spent the last year of my life walking around pissed off at the world - mad at business partners for not making enough money, mad at my friends for not calling me enough, mad at the guy on the road that cut me off, mad at the 16 year old working at McDonald's because my coffee took an extra 2 minutes at the drive thru... you get the point? 

What I have realized through this journey is that I was looking for happiness from the outside in versus the other way around. I am living through a wonderful transformation and I am working hard at changing the narrative on my own happiness journey. I thought I would share four things that have become visibly apparent. Some of this sounds so obvious in theory but literally game-changing when put into practice.

1. Focus on what you can control

“If you want real control, drop the illusion of control” - Unknown

Focusing on things in your control will have amplifying effects to the rest of your world. When things start to go awry in your world it is a natural instinct to be Chicken Little and think “The sky is falling.” When you are living through the proverbial “shit” everything seems out of control, so our natural instinct is to instill order and get some control back as quickly as possible. With the best intentions, in our attempt to control, our focus goes to where we have absolutely no hope in hell, rather than focusing on what we can actually impact. 

It is an interesting exercise to ask yourself, could I personally have altered the outcome or impact of that event? More often than not the answer is NO - it is outside the realm of your control. Think of the delayed flight, the slow restaurant service, the traffic accident. Mo Gawdat is the former Chief Business Officer for Google X, an entrepreneur, and the author of the book Solve for Happy. He sums it up nicely during his explanation of his Happiness Equation, “Happiness happens when life seems to be going your way. You feel happy when life behaves the way you want it to.” 

In my case, I focused on healthy eating and exercise. I reconnected to my faith, I reached out to people who I haven’t heard from in a while and I made the call to the family and friends who I had alienated in my previous year of self loathing. The results were insane, yet should not be surprising. When I stick to my healthy eating habits (including quitting drinking)  I feel better about myself, when I hit the gym 5x a week I have so much more energy. 

When I make the effort to spend time with family and friends who pick me up emotionally - what does that do to my psyche and willingness to live life to the fullest? When you put some order to what you can control it is amazing how the rest of the universe starts to respond in a positive way because our mind is now willing to let the good in.

2. You will usually find what you are looking for

“What we see depends on what we are looking for” - John Lubbock

Has anyone ever been car shopping and all of a sudden a vehicle jumps on your radar that you weren’t really thinking about. The week previous you would have thought that only a few of these models exist, but once they are on your radar, it seems that every second vehicle you see on the road is that vehicle. 

The same can be true for looking at life through the lens of an optimist versus that of a pessimist - although thanks to our mainstream media and the ideology that fear sells the story, in my vehicle example the negativity that surrounds us would be like a Honda Civic and the positivity that we are looking for is like a vintage 1970 Chevelle SS. 

Since the stone age, human survival has depended on spotting danger and staying alive, so we are very good at looking for the bad and trying to avoid it. It is incredible what happens when we start to actively look for good things in our life and actively practice being grateful. 

Several years ago I was introduced to my now friend Steve Foran (Gratitude at Work) and he encouraged me to not only think about what I was grateful for, but to keep a gratitude journal. The very act of writing down a few positive things forces us to focus on the good and not the bad. If it becomes habitual to consciously focus on the positive, we will innately find more things we should be happy about. 

I’m not naive. As Sylvester Stallone puts it to his son in a famous Rocky Balboa moment - “The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows." For that reason some days it will be hard. For me it is celebrating something as small as that amazing morning cup of coffee or as a grand as watching one of my kids achieving something for the first time.. The important thing is to be constantly looking for the good. 

3. Spend time around positivity

“Surround yourself with only people who are going to lift you higher” - Oprah Winfrey

Lewis Howes calls it his inner circle, Jim Rohn spoke about it as the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with and Gary Vaynerchuk continually warns us to limit the negativity we are consuming whether it be from the media or from even those people who are closest to us. 

Time is your most precious resource, so pay close attention to how you are utilizing this resource. What are you watching? Who are you hanging out with? What are you reading? The happiest, most successful people in the world are not spending the bulk of their time surrounded by negative people, consuming CNN or other mass news media and reading the National Inquirer. 

When you take actionable steps of bringing more positivity into your life you will feel an immediate positive impact. Also, beware, there are some unintended consequences of being more mindful of your time/value equation. It is very likely that you will cut or limit some toxic people out of your life (some may even be family or long time friends). 

In the past 6 months I have been spending a lot more time with people who believe in my path to greatness. I am reading more than I have since I was a kid addicted to reading and I am also limiting my exposure to toxic negativity. We all know the people who, when given an opportunity will find a problem, I want to hear more from the cheerleaders who say “You should do it and how can I help you?” and in return I am constantly asking without expecting - "how can I help you?" By the way, it has been my experience that giving is so much better than receiving when it comes to spreading hope and being a cheerleader on someone’s journey.

4. Consciously work at it - make it a habit vs. a diet

“There is no path to happiness, happiness is the path” - Buddha

We live in a world full of “I deserve it now” culture. The get rich quick, the fad diets, the apps that have turned the dating world from the thrill of the chase to an all you can eat buffet. I have been involved with 4 “guarantee to make you rich” network marketing companies, I have family and friends whose weight is up and down like a yo-yo depending on which diet they are bandwagoning and so many people are looking for Mr. or Mrs. right with 37 choices of who to date by swiping left or right. 

Whatever you are trying to achieve doesn’t work unless you are willing to put in the work to get there. History has proven time and time again that until it becomes a habit or a lifestyle it won’t stick. Happiness is no different. 

As I mentioned earlier - it is about a series of decisions and actions that get us to a desired state of mind. Whatever you decide to put in your happiness formula - you better practice daily. We always hear pro athletes talking about getting their reps in. For me it is ensuring I wake up earlier to go through my morning routine, practice gratitude morning and night, not missing my workouts, being there for friends, family or colleagues in need and making sure that I make time for the people in my life that make me feel awesome. These are all conscious decisions that I am making on a daily basis.

Closing thoughts

Like anything worthwhile in life, happiness is hard work. As Mark Manson says in his epic book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fu*k, “Everything worthwhile in life is won through surmounting the associated negative experience.” We have a really short runway here on earth and we should be choosing regularly to LIVE! 

Just recently I had the pleasure of hearing an amazing speech from someone who was terminal with brain cancer. He spread a message of love & hope and spoke about how he was going to be spending his remaining time doing the things he cherished the most. This is someone who was dying in less than a year! He had no regrets other than that he wished he would have lived this way longer. I am not sure who said it first, but I do believe, “The most unselfish thing you can do is be selfish.” 

When we do our best at looking after ourselves we are able to be the best version of ourselves for the rest of the world around us. I am on a path to be a little better everyday because I choose to live intentionally towards HAPPY….who wants to join me?

With Love, Hope & Happiness,

Curtis Scaplen

Links and Sources:

Mo Gawdet - https://www.solveforhappy.com (Happiness Equation) 

Lewis Howes - https://schoolofgreatness.com

Gary Vaynerchuk -https://www.garyvaynerchuk.com

Rocky Balboa Speech to his son - https://www.goalcast.com/2016/04/15/rocky-balboa-motivational-speech-son/

Jim Rohn (mentored Tony Robbins): https://www.cnbc.com/2018/07/23/3-lasting-lessons-from-jim-rohn-the-man-who-mentored-tony-robbins.html

Mark Manson - https://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck