People Pleasing: The Kryptonite of Effective Leadership

"Do not waste your time seeking approval. Do what you have to do, and so what if they like it or not."

~ Tina Fey

Throughout my career, I've faced numerous challenges stemming from my innate desire to be liked. This inclination not only made it difficult for me to set appropriate boundaries but also caused me to delay necessary feedback and shy away from addressing conflicts, ultimately hindering my ability to create the levels of accountability needed to drive results. It's not easy to make such a confession, but as a recovering people pleaser, I've become acutely aware of these behaviors. However, at times, the magnitude of change required seemed almost insurmountable.

Receiving candid feedback from various leaders throughout my professional journey prompted me to take matters into my own hands. I actively sought to implement a personal development plan to work on these areas, which is why I now refer to myself as a "recovering" people pleaser. I've come to realize that many effective leaders share a similar path of recovery, and perhaps you can relate to this journey too.

In last week’s newsletter, we explored the more personal aspects of being a people pleaser. Today, we delve into why people-pleasing acts as the Kryptonite of effective leadership. Successful leaders understand that they cannot always please everyone while leading effectively. Within the workplace, people pleasers often exhibit the following eight behaviors. Overcoming these tendencies is crucial in cultivating robust leadership skills that prioritize growth, decisive decision-making, and the creation of a positive and productive work environment.

Unlock Your Leadership Superpowers: Embrace Assertiveness and Bid Farewell to People Pleasing

"A true leader has the confidence to stand alone, the courage to make tough decisions, and the compassion to listen to the needs of others."

~ Douglas MacArthur

Let’s explore these behaviours and discuss one quick action for each of the eight people-pleasing traits to help you grow in those areas:

Avoiding conflict:

People-pleasers often shy away from confrontation and difficult conversations, fearing that it might upset others. Effective leaders, on the other hand, are willing to address conflicts and disagreements directly to find solutions and foster growth.

Your Call to Action:

Take a deep breath and initiate a respectful conversation about a minor disagreement or concern you have with a colleague. Practice active listening and seek a resolution together.  If you want to show true courage, you can follow one of the key tenets of the ServiceNow company’s “social contract”: “We debate like we’re right, listen like we’re wrong, and then decide, commit, and lead together.”

Overcommitting:

People-pleasers tend to say yes to every request, even if it overwhelms them or compromises their ability to meet essential responsibilities. Effective leaders prioritize their time and resources, saying no, when necessary, to focus on high-impact tasks.

Your Call to Action:

Before agreeing to a new task or responsibility, pause and assess your current workload. Politely decline or negotiate a more reasonable timeline if necessary.  One of my favourite podcasters, Ed Mylett, regularly says the following: "When you say yes to something, it's imperative that you understand what you're saying no to."

Seeking constant approval:

People-pleasers often rely heavily on external validation and seek approval from others to feel secure. Effective leaders are confident in their decisions and don't require constant validation to act.

Your Call to Action:

Make a list of your recent accomplishments and acknowledge your efforts without seeking validation from others. Focus on your self-worth and recognize your achievements.  You were placed in this world to be yourself, enabling you to manifest the unique contributions that only you are qualified to offer.

Fear of making tough decisions:

People-pleasers may avoid making difficult choices that could upset some individuals, even if those decisions are necessary for the greater good. Effective leaders make tough decisions based on what's best for the team or organization, even if they are not universally popular.

Your Call to Action:

Identify a challenging decision you've been avoiding. Gather all necessary information and consult with relevant stakeholders, then make the decision and communicate it with clarity and empathy.  It’s a hard pill for people-pleasers to swallow, but Peter Drucker said it best, "Leadership is not about being liked. It's about being effective."

Reluctance to provide constructive feedback:

People-pleasers may struggle to offer honest feedback or critique, fearing it might harm their relationships with others. Effective leaders understand the importance of providing constructive feedback to help individuals and the team grow and improve.

Your Call to Action:

Choose a situation where you observed something that could be improved, and deliver your feedback in a kind, specific, and actionable manner to the person involved.  "Feedback is a gift. It gives you the information you need to improve and the motivation to do it." ~ Orrin Woodward

Inability to set boundaries:

People-pleasers often have difficulty setting personal boundaries and may be taken advantage of by others. Effective leaders establish clear boundaries to maintain their well-being and focus on their leadership responsibilities.

Your Call to Action:

Select an area where you feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of, and clearly communicate your limits or expectations with those involved. Stick to those boundaries.  I heard Simon Sinek recently say that “we have joint custody of our relationships.”  When it comes to setting boundaries, we need to work together to communicate expectations and limits with each other.

Reliance on popular opinion:

People-pleasers may prioritize following popular opinions or going with the majority, even if it goes against their better judgment. Effective leaders make decisions based on their own assessment and critical thinking rather than blindly following others.

Your Call to Action:

Pick a decision you need to make and evaluate it based on its merits, considering all angles and potential outcomes, rather than being influenced solely by what others think.  Leadership can often be a lonely pursuit, but as Friedrich Nietzsche said, "The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

Lack of assertiveness:

People-pleasers may struggle to assert their needs, ideas, or goals confidently. Effective leaders are assertive and can communicate their vision and expectations clearly.

Your Call to Action:

Practice speaking up in a team meeting or group discussion, expressing your ideas or opinions with confidence and conviction. Remember that your input is valuable.  Fashion trailblazer Coco Chanel said this about thinking and expressing yourself independently, "The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud."

Closing Thoughts:

 "The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not a bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor but without folly."

~ Jim Rohn

I have yet to fully conquer my own people pleasing tendencies, but as the saying goes, “progress over perfection.”  Remember, personal growth takes time and effort. Start with these small actions, and over time, they can lead to significant improvements in overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and developing effective leadership skills.