Confessions of a Recovering People Pleaser

"The moment you stop seeking validation from others is the moment you become the most powerful version of yourself."

~ Karen Salmansohn

Being a people pleaser was a prevailing trait in our household this past week. As a self-professed people pleaser, my wife, and even my youngest daughter, grappled with this tendency. I couldn't help but envy my oldest daughter, who confidently speaks and acts in accordance with her own beliefs without being entangled in the need for external validation.

Throughout the week, various situations emerged, affecting my youngest daughter, who was faced with the challenge of confronting her people-pleasing tendencies head-on. The intricate web of internal wiring and incessant overthinking made every decision, statement, and thought feel paralyzing as she constantly weighed how others might react, instead of focusing on what was necessary to achieve her own goals.

As people pleasers, we find ourselves on a daily roller coaster of emotions and identity crises, which exposes us to several risks:

We Suffer High Levels of Anxiety and Stress:

Constantly seeking approval and trying to meet others' expectations lead to heightened anxiety and stress. The fear of disappointing others weighs heavily on our minds, even though we justify it by believing we are "nice people," often neglecting our own well-being.

We Have Feelings of Low Self-Esteem:

Prioritizing others' needs over our own gradually erodes our self-esteem. Over time, this can leave us feeling undervalued and taken advantage of.

We Develop Resentment and Frustration:

As we feel increasingly taken for granted, resentment and frustration build up, stemming from our constant focus on others' needs at the expense of our own.

We Lack Effective Boundaries:

Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with others is a significant struggle for us. Saying "no" or expressing our true feelings and desires can be incredibly challenging.

We are Too Dependent on External Validation:

Relying excessively on external validation hinders our personal growth and self-awareness. We often struggle to define our authentic selves and depend too much on others' opinions for self-assessment.

We Find It Very Difficult to Make Decisions:

Fear of disappointing others or triggering conflict makes decision-making a daunting task. Simple questions like "what do you want for dinner?" can send us into an emotional thought spiral. 

There is Hope

"When you say 'yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'no' to yourself."

~ Paulo Coelho

However, there is hope for people pleasers. While I can't claim to have entirely conquered this trait myself, I can attest that my journey from people pleaser to self-empowerment is making progress. Encouragingly, I see my youngest daughter applying many of these principles in her own life. Witnessing this transformation fills me with pride and optimism, as it shows that we people pleasers can liberate ourselves to achieve our dreams and become leaders in our own lives.

 9-Steps to Break Free:

To break free from the people-pleasing cycle and develop healthier behaviors, consider incorporating the following nine steps into your life:

1. Self-Reflection: Dedicate time to reflect on your people-pleasing tendencies and their underlying causes. Realize that it's okay to prioritize your own needs and feelings. Remember that the stories you tell yourself about making others proud may not align with your authentic self.

2. Value Yourself: Nurture self-compassion and recognize your self-worth is not determined by how much you please others, but by your unique qualities and contributions.

3. Identify Your Needs and Desires: Make a conscious effort to identify your own needs and desires. Prioritize self-care and ensure your needs are met alongside others'.

4. Set Boundaries: Armed with clarity about your needs and desires, practice setting clear boundaries with others. Practice saying "no" assertively and respectfully when necessary. Keep your refusals concise and direct.  The more you say 'no,' the more you'll be able to say 'yes' to what truly matters.

5. Practice Assertiveness: Express your thoughts, feelings, and needs honestly and respectfully. Be clear about what you want and don't be afraid to communicate it.

6. Learn to Handle Discomfort: Embrace discomfort as a natural part of personal growth. Regularly challenge yourself to experience discomfort so that you can draw upon it when needed.

7. Seek Support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, mentors, or therapists to discuss your people-pleasing tendencies. Surround yourself with individuals who can help you build healthier boundaries and offer valuable insights and support.

8. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Recognize and challenge negative thought patterns that perpetuate people-pleasing behavior. Replace them with positive affirmations and empowering beliefs.

9. Celebrate Small Victories: Acknowledge and celebrate every step you take towards becoming less of a people pleaser. Be patient with yourself as you work towards change.

Closing Thoughts:

"You were born an original. Don't die a copy."

~ John Mason

Ultimately, you won't regret looking back on your life knowing that you pursued your dreams wholeheartedly. What you may regret is living a life dictated by the dreams and desires of others, neglecting your own aspirations. You can't control how others perceive you, so focus on being the best version of yourself.  Take the courageous step to break free from the cycle of people pleasing and embark on the journey of becoming the best version of yourself.  Remember this thought, your purpose is not to be everything to everyone; it's to be something important to someone.

Apply the Learning:

Are you ready to put the concepts from this article into action?  Here are three practical steps you can take this week:

Say "No" Assertively:

When someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, confidently say "no" without feeling the need to explain yourself.

Decide for Yourself:

Take charge of decisions about what you want to eat or where you want to go. Express your preferences with confidence.

Reflect and Act:

Identify instances of people-pleasing behavior from the past week. Examine how these behaviors conflict with your goals and aspirations. Develop action plans for handling similar situations in the future.